Changes

One of the biggest and hardest changes in our life right now is our children's interactions with each other. Channing and Jakob, since they are twins, have been inseparable since birth. They have always been best friends, keeping each other entertained and playing together pretty well. Since Channing became sick this has changed dramatically. Channing mostly wants to be left alone, laying in bed. Jakob still wants brother to play. Jakob is pretty good about letting Channing be most of the time but has an unending amount of energy that is not getting out. I am usually pretty exhausted most of the time because of not sleeping well and being pregnant so I do not have the energy to run Jakob out of energy. Jakob is also seeking attention, which I don't blame him everything has changed from the focus on both boys to the focus of Channing. A lot of the time Jakob will do naughty things just to get attention, and its so hard for me to know how to handle him when he does this.

Ema is still Ema, just as feisty and cute as ever. Though she pushes Channings buttons, which I think is part of the reason Channing likes to be behind closed doors where sister can't get him. Channing has been very protective of his port and Ema knows this and will come running at him and hit him right in his chest. Any time she does this she goes in time out, but that doesn't seem to deter her from doing it again later.

It has been a month since all the kids have played together like 'old' times. It has been a month since Jakob has had his best friend. It has been a month since I have seen my babies happily playing. There have been glimpses of the past, in which I just watch and smile. One of these times was when two sisters (14 and 10) from down the street who attend our church came and played with my kids so I could get other things done. Chan was even playing make believe, smiling and laughing with them. I don't think I can ever thank those girls for the few hours they spent with my kids and for the smile the put on my face, and in my heart to see my babies as they once were. I am hoping to have the girls or at least one of them come once a week after school to be Jakobs special buddy and to play with all the kids.

Another moment was yesterday morning. I woke up to the sound of my boys talking happily in their room. This is something that was a usual in our home pre-cancer. I stood outside their door smiling as I listened to their happy voices and was so thankful for that glimpse that things will be ok and life will be as it once was. The topic of their conversation was Channings port, as conversations in our life typically revolve around cancer, food, or Channings port. It was a big eye opener to me that my baby has had to grow up fast. He is dealing with something most people don't ever have to go through. He talks about medicine, and cancer, and his port, and Leukemia, and food (of course) always. Those are the things that are most important and prevalent in his little life so thats what he talks about. I think this is sometimes weird for others. We talk openly about Channing's cancer because it is a part of all of our lives and will be forever. I wish my baby never had to know of these things and have them be such an integral part of his life at 3 and a half, but they are and thats just something we all have to get used to.

We have learned to praise the little things, like anytime Chan does his shoulder shrug, anytime Chan smiles, anytime he does something other then sleep or eat we get excited. This morning Chan went to the bathroom all by himself, which is another thing that hasn't happened since he was diagnosed! Kindt and I were SOO excited, another little step that shows that things are going to be ok.

We have had cancer in our lives for one month. I think it is still sinking in that our baby is so sick. Because he has been handling it so well and still hasn't had any pain, and his blood counts all look great. The biggest issue we have had is his constipation. I cried on the way home from our Madison appointment praying that my baby would poop so that he would feel better, fearing that if he didn't we would have a hospital stay over something seemingly small like constipation. Nothing is small anymore when it comes to Channing, anything can send him to the hospital. I thought we were doing so well, and we were but Channing was constipated and that is a big problem. Things can change in an instant, but I know that as we continue to do everything we can, and as each of you continue to think of us and pray for us for the 2 years 11 months we will all get through this together and all be better because of it.

Thank you for everything each of you does for us, you never know when that message, card, letter, or package will mean to us. On Thursday I was having a hard day after Chans appointment and knew that once we got home I was going to be spending most of the evening in the bathroom with Chan, and that Jay and Em were going to be on their own. Right when we got home I took the kids on a quick walk to the mailbox to get Chan some fresh air and get him moving. Inside there was a package from a dear friend. It was a movie for us and a sweet card. It put a HUGE smile on my face, and my kids were SOO excited. The second we walked in the door the movie was put in and Ema and Jakob sat and watched it and I was able to focus on Chan. My friend didn't know that I would get it after such an emotionally difficult day, she didn't know what it would mean to me, she just did something she could do for us. The point of this story is to let each of you know that each message, each hug, each thing you do that may be seemingly small to you, is not small to me. It makes this whole situation that much more bearable. Each time I open my email and see messages from one of you it boosts me up, each letter we get in the mail saying that you are thinking of us gives me a little more motivation to keep on going, each smile I see, or each offer of help helps me know we are not alone. I can never thank each of you enough for being such a great support to my family and I. THANK YOU!!