Remembering

Chan's blood work came back great yesterday so we are now inpatient, and have started Chan's IV Chemo.  Right after we got here the hematologist came in to see how we were doing, and asked if we would like to meet the family next door who's son was just diagnosed with ALL a week ago.  My heart broke when I heard about another family having to go through this. The little almost 3 yr old was having a hard time taking his meds and the hope was that having a little friend talk to him about it might help.  I was more then happy to meet with the family.  The mom and I talked for awhile (as best as we could with two little boys who wanted to play, eat and walk :).  It was weird having to reflect back on what happened two months ago with diagnosis for us; The feelings, thoughts, struggles that I went through.  Shock at first, then fear, then acceptance.  I have pushed that time out of my mind because it was a scary time but it was interesting to revisit those feelings again with someone else.  It was nice to talk about it all and have it all be in the open.  I don't think I really put my feelings out here on the blog so I thought that's what I would do now. 

I remember when the hematologist first came into the room with the tissues in her hands with the news.  I tried to be strong for her so that she didn't feel bad that she was giving us such heartbreaking news.  While she spoke to us I was sitting on the bed combing my hands through Channings hair while he was still asleep from the sedation.  I kept thinking, this poor little boy is going to go through so much.  Then I turned and looked at my husband and thought about how hard this is going to be for him and his family after loosing his mother to breast cancer in 2005.  This family didn't deserve to have another cancer patient in their lives.  I thought about Jakob and how this was going to change everything with the boys.  I thought about how we were going to tell the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents that Chan had Leukemia and I thought about how they were going to handle it, and those I was most worried about after hearing the news.  After going full circle thinking of how this would affect the other people around me, I realized I had yet to think about how this was going to affect me, and I pushed the thought aside.  I needed to be strong for everyone else, I needed to be the rock so that everyone else could see that it was going to be ok. 

Everyone kept telling me I needed to take care of myself for the health and safety of the child that was growing inside me.  So, I ate, slept, and rested for the sake of my baby.  I am not sure this would have been the case if I didn't have this little boy growing inside me. He kept me aware of the fact that I needed to eat, and needed to rest.  I kept strong for my baby. 

I remember the first night that I was alone, the second night after diagnosis.  I went to sleep at the Ronald MacDonald House (RMH) because I only got 2 hours of sleep the night before with all the worrying about my son, and constant check to see that he was breathing, and ok.  I was afraid to leave my son that night because I was scared something would happen while I was gone.  Chan was also going to get a platelet transfusion and I was worried about how he would do with that.  When I got into my room at the RMH I hated the silence, I hated that I had nothing to focus my mind on, and help me not think about all the things we had just learned in the past two days.  I was alone with my own thoughts.  I didn't get much sleep that night, but it was better then the night before.

That first week I was feeling a constant sense of fear and dread.  Not knowing how Channing was going to react to the meds, how he was going to handle being in the hospital, and not knowing if he was going to be ok.  I knew that that prognosis was great but I was still very afraid of the unknown future of it all.  I found myself thinking about Jakob and how he would handle it if something happened to Channing.  Thoughts no mother even wants to have.  I thought the constant knot, fear and dread was going to be a normal part of life from this point on. 

We were discharged that Tues, less then a week after diagnosis and I wasn't sure where to go from there, so I got back to 'normal' life keeping myself busy.  I felt like I had a newborn in the house again, checking on him constantly, being overprotective, asking if he was ok and if he needed anything.  Still having the constant anxiety and fear that something was going to happen.  That Friday night was the first time that Kindt and I really talked about things.  He had researched a lot and was telling me what he learned, and it made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't sleep all night, going in and out of the bathroom.  The next morning was worse and I was throwing up.  I broke down in my hallway bawling- Thinking that if my son got whatever I had it could kill him.


My sister took the kids the rest of the day over to the grandparents house so I could get better without having to worry about Channing.  Then on Sunday Kindt took all the kids to church and then over to the grandparents. I had two days to myself to think and process and start healing.  My body was finally reacting to the news and I am fairly certain that I was ill because of everything going on. 

On Sunday a good friend came over to bring us dinner and the two of us sat on the couches talking, laughing and crying together.  It was a good thing for me to talk to someone else, and be honest about how I felt and the fear of the future.  I don't really remember a lot of what we talked about but I do remember both of us saying how we really needed to focus on the good things, and every moment because you never know when it is going to change.  And if we keep thinking things will be good when, or better when, or I will be happy when, we will never be happy and never enjoy life. 

I don't remember when the constant anxiety, and fear left but it did.  I think it took a couple of weeks to get out of that crisis mode.  It took time to see how Chan would do with all the treatments and constant doctor appointments but once I saw how well he handled it all I was able to handle things a lot better. 

We are now 2 and a half months into treatments and honestly I am doing well.  I still have good and bad moments, and I never know what is going to trigger an emotional response, but I am not longer living with the constant knot in my stomach.  I miss my other babies when we are in the hospital (and my husband too :).  I get emotional when I have to drop them off at a friends.  Most of all I enjoy the little moments so much more.  I enjoy having Channing to myself and seeing his cute personality.  The nurses and staff and everyone seem to love my little boy and I love him too.  I wish I could have this one on one time with each of my babies but I make sure to let them know all the time how much I love them and appreciate them and how amazing they each are.

So, to those out there who are still in crisis mode - the knot will go away, the constant fear and anxiety will leave, and you will adapt and learn and become stronger to deal with something you never thought you would have to.  Live each moment, love each moment and enjoy the little things, because in the end its what you do with what you are given that matters.  Stay strong and keep on keeping on, no matter what obstacles and trials are in your life, because you will get through this.