Stress

I wrote this post in Jan and am just now posting it.  It is really hard for me to be honest with my feelings, and post these thoughts for all to see, but I also feel that others going through struggles need to know they aren't alone in their thoughts and feelings....

Lately I have been struggling a lot with stress, and anxiety.  I did so well for the first year after Channing was diagnosed I thought maybe I would get through this without the anxiety and stress most mothers of cancer kids get.  I'm not sure why I thought I would be the one to get through it without the stress and worry, but I am really good at lying to myself and staying in denial.  Don't get me wrong, I knew how serious Channing's diagnosis was/is but it had all gone textbook, so I felt safe and comfortable.  I'm not entirely sure when the anxiety and stress starting creeping in and taking over.  It could have been when Channing went into the hospital in Aug for neutropenic fevers, or the multitude of ER visits, and specialists, or the fact that the one boy that we personally know who is fighting cancer relapsed.  It is likely a combination of all those things, just building on top of each other until one day I realized I was having a panic attack.  I struggle with going to public places.  I cringe when I hear someone cough or sneeze.  I keep hand sanitizer on me at all times, and use it more often then probably the rest of you put together.  We have cleaning parties where the kids wipe down their toys with disinfectant wipes - thats not normal.

Recently, we were in a store with all the kids and their was a walk in gingerbread house.  There was a cute table with cookies on it for the kids to eat while playing.  I cringed.  I didn't want my son to touch the cookies, or touch the house, but its not fair for him to not be able to do what a normal kid can do because he has a compromised immune system.  So, I took a deep breath got him a cookie that was buried a bit and let him play.  Soon after I realized i didn't have any sanitizer on me.  I started to freak out (internally, but still panicking).  I felt claustrophobic and started to shake.  I knew I had some sanitizer in the car so i rushed out and got it.  Then i told the kids it was time to go and doused their hands in sanitizer.  I couldn't get out of their fast enough.  It was eye-opening for me just how bad it is getting for me.

I feel like we take one step forward with things and then 3 steps back.  I find I am calling the oncologist constantly for re-assurance.  That is not like me, but i guess its the new me.  I am stressed about every little thing.  Every bump, bruise, cut, rash, stomach ache, head ache, ache in general I get scared.  I want to take him to the Dr. just so they can reassure me that Channing is going to be ok.  A few weeks ago Channing went to the ER 3 nights in a row.  I just needed that constant reassurance.  Thankfully, most of the Drs. are understanding and willing to listen to a crazy mom ramble and don't make me feel like a crazy mom.  But I feel like one.  I feel scattered, and scared, and stressed.  And I don't like it, I don't like who I have become.  I don't like what cancer has done to me, how it has changed me.  I have become reliant on doctors, I have become obsessive.  I feel like a basket case.  And that is not me.  I am calm, and capable and don't let things get to me.  I usually felt like why let something I have no control over control me.  I don't feel that way anymore.  And it is very hard for me.

Most of the time when people ask me how I am doing I answer them honestly, especially if I feel like they are asking me sincerely.  A lot of times I am ok, and we are doing ok.  But there are times we aren't and I feel like I am falling with nothing to catch me.  I feel like no one can understand or know what I am going through.  Everyone's struggles are unique so I know that I am not alone feeling this way.  It's just really hard at times.  REALLY hard.

The things that have kept me more sane are knowing that no matter what I could call so many people at the last second and they would jump up and ask what they can do to help me.  So many people already have and will continue to do that.  I am so grateful that I don't have to add that as a stresser.  

Arizona

I went to Arizona this past weekend to go to my Grandmother's funeral.  It was a very emotional experience for me, in the expected way and in a very unexpected way.  Funerals are very difficult for obvious reasons. My grandmother will be missed.  She was very loved, and I have a lot of fond memories in the past years with her.  What I wasn't expecting was the onset of emotions related to Channing's Leukemia.  We were in Arizona exactly 2 years ago one week before Chan was diagnosed with cancer.  Arizona is the last place that my baby had his innocence before it was so forcefully taken from him.  Arizona was the last place that my son played without constant santitizing, without fear of germs, without any cares in the world beyond the now.  Arizona was the last place I was a mostly carefree mother - I didn't carry sanitizer all the time, I didn't cringe when my son would touch something other kids touched, I didn't have to worry about eating 2 hours before bedtime so his food wouldn't interact with his meds, etc.  I didn't expect to feel so emotional in Arizona.  While it was a very hard thing going back for the first time since diagnosis, I am so very grateful that my kids and I got to have such a great, positive, carefree visit with all the family the week before our life forever changed.  I guess I still never know just when the emotions of Channing's Leukemia will creep their way to the surface.