Happiness

This is my happiness. This is what makes me happy.  As I sat and watched my babies play outside I felt this immense feeling of love and happiness.   I wanted to remember this moment, remember my sweet babies playing outside together.

 

Then in a moment, a feeling of sadness came over me.  I watched these two boys, best friends in every way, play so happily together.  Play like there was no fears in their lives.  Yet I felt fearful.  I wondered what would have happened if the cancer had won - I imagined my sweet Channing being removed from these pictures and it broke my heart.  It wouldn't be the same without him,  Jakob wouldn't be the same.  We are blessed that our outcome is not that, but there are many children who are fighting the same cancer Channing has and aren't winning.  I felt this need rise within me to do everything I could to help children like my own son.  I struggle right now with wanting to do whatever I can to help, but it isn't the right season in life for me.  I need to focus on my babies and watch and enjoy them growing up.  I will still do what I can now to help fight the battle against Childhood Cancer, but for now I will look out my window and watch my babies play in happiness and be thankful that so many people are so willing to help in so many ways so that Channing could fight cancer and win.  We are blessed, we are the lucky ones.

Pre-Diagnosis Diagnosis

As I was organizing our important papers drawer I found the initial After Visit Summary when Chan was so sick right before we found out it was cancer.  The date on the paperwork reads 3/4/11, 5 days before our life changed forever.  On that day over a year ago I took Chan to his pediatrician and he was diagnosed with Strep Throat, Breathing Problem, Fever, and Tonsillitis.  Chans temperature was 103.8 *F, his pulse was 160 (normal is 80), and his respiration rate was 28 (normal is between 22-34).  My baby was very sick.  For the following 5 nights Channing slept in my bed with me.  Which is something my husband and I never do, our kids have hardly ever slept in bed with us but I was so afraid something was going to happen, I knew something was really wrong with my baby.  During the day Chan slept on my bed all day long- he barely moved, didn't talk, didn't eat or drink.  It was very difficult for me.  I remember going back to the pediatrician on Tues the 8th because Chan was getting worse.  The Dr. asked if maybe it could be Mononucleosis.  I remember praying, please don't be Mono, I can handle strep but not sure if I can handle my baby having Mono.  I think back on that prayer and chuckle a bit, if only I knew then what we were in for, I would have happily taken Mono :)