Thoughts

I have been re-reading a lot of what I went through this last year +, and found a few posts I never posted.  Here is one from the beginning of August last year when I was weeks away from having Ellery and Chan still had his last inpatient to go.  I am not sure why I never posted it- I have a hard time feeling like what I have to say is important, or that anyone even wants to hear it, or that it is too personal.   But I am going to post it now because I feel like I need to document all of what I felt and experienced good and bad....

"A few weeks ago I was in a pretty bad place.  I was frustrated, upset, annoyed, grumpy, unhappy, angry, etc.  Basically I had a little bout of depression.  I was not a good person to be around.  I was inpatient and grumpy with my kids and my husband and I really had no motivation to do anything.  There were many things contributing to how I felt. 

When Kindt and I decided to try to have another baby I knew that I wanted this labor to go differently then the rest.  I didn't want an epidural I wanted to have this baby without one. Then at 4 months pregnant when I was just starting to look into classes to help me Channing was diagnosed with cancer.  This diagnosis consumed us.  Then by the time I realized I was 7 months pregnant all the classes were either over, or too far away to participate in.  I was bitter that I wasn't going to have the delivery that I had hoped for.  I also was upset because I didn't know if my husband would be there for the delivery either.  He has been out of town this week, while I was 38-39 weeks pregnant.  And likely Channing will be in the hospital when I go into labor.  I was getting myself more and more depressed about this coming baby.  Don't get me wrong, I am excited to hold this sweet boy in my arms, but was just feeling defeated that what I wanted for my delivery was completely taken away from me.  I was also grumpy about all the aches and pains I was having with this pregnancy that I have never had before.  Why did I have to have all these aches on top of everything else in my life. 

I felt that I had a constant visual reminder of my son and his cancer.  Every time I looked at both my boys I could see the differences and it would break my heart.  Every time Channing would need to slow down or say "I get tired a lot" my heart would break.  He just couldn't keep up with his brother, and he was noticing it.  People would innocently say "now you can tell them apart" or "look at how different they are" or "oh they must be fraternal" my heart would break.  They weren't different before cancer.  They looked very similar and people would stop and say "identical twins, huh?".  Now, I realize these comments where/are completely innocent and I would just smile, nod, and walk away but they hurt.  (If you ever said anything like this, it is ok, I do not hold it against anyone - I promise!!.  We all say things not realizing how they could have affected someone).  I was digging myself deeper into a hole with all this negative thinking.

My house was a disaster.  I didn't have the motivation or energy to clean.  I was also afraid that if I did anything I would put myself into labor and that would make our lives so much harder, so I basically put myself on bed rest.  I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone because I would have to put on a happy face and pretend that I was ok.  I also would get so worn out after being around people, it was exhausting. 

I was grumpy that my daughter was diagnosed with a milk allergy on top of everything else.  To some it may not seem like a big deal, but to me this was just another thing to add to the list of things that we had to deal with.  For anyone who knows me, I am not a cook.  I can cook a few things and tried to have dinner on the table when my husband came home at night before cancer.  With Ema's milk allergy I have had a difficult time coming up with ideas on what to make because butter, milk, cream of chicken, sour cream, yogurt, etc were all taken out of the equation.  So, I stopped cooking. My amazing husband stepped up and would come home from a long day at work and whip up something for dinner.  I felt I wasn't able to do my 'job' which was taking care of the house and kids and making dinner. 

I felt like no one could understand what I was going through... a son with cancer, being 8 months pregnant, a daughter with a milk, peanut, and egg allergy and eczema.  I felt that all my life was was going to the doctor for one thing or another.

After a little over a week of this defeating attitude I knew that something needed to be done.  I didn't like who I was, and how I was acting.  I had a nice talk with a friend one night putting out all my fears, thoughts, and frustrations.  It helped a bit but I was still not a happy person.    A few days later I went back to this friends house and we talked for hours.  We talked about everything. Instead of just talking about everything we felt and why our lives were so hard we talked about what we could do to make it better.  I felt that I had lost all control so I needed to let go of some things (when this baby was going to be born) and then take control of things that I could (my attitude, and what I did to make myself happy).  We knew it wouldn't just magically get better on its own, so we decided that we needed to be proactive and make changes in ourselves if we wanted to be happier.  We knew we needed to find joy in the now no matter how hard or we would never be happy.  Here are some of the things that I did to pull myself out of myself...

I had to trust in God's plan and in His will.  This whole time I had been telling God what I wanted and how it should be.  I wasn't willing/able to put my faith in His all-knowing plan and really be willing to accept His will.  I know how blessed we have been, I know that God has been with us each step of the way.  I know that His timing is perfect, I just needed to be willing to let go of my timing and trust in Gods.  Channing was diagnosed with cancer when I was 4 months pregnant.  I was past at the point in my pregnancy where I was feeling sick, and the baby had already formed its most vital organs so while I still had to be careful with all the drugs and Chemo's it wasn't as scary for the baby.  I am due after Channing's last inpatient and most invasive treatments.  If that isn't a clear example of God's perfect timing I don't know what is. 

Loose myself in the service of others.  I decided that I needed to stop the pity me attitude and do what I could to serve others.  I knew that there were limited options for what I could do but I thought about the things that I was capable of.  I put a box together of fun hands on learning toys that my kids never touch that would really benefit my friend who has helped me so much.  I was so excited when I would find something to add to the box, and felt good knowing I was helping someone else.  I also wrote a few notes to some old friends who didn't realize how much of an effect that had in my life.  I felt I had done some good, and felt better about myself. 

Time alone.  Not just alone time, but time away from the house.  I decided to do something for myself and I went out and went baby boy take-home-outfit shopping.  It was a lot of fun for me to be out by myself just enjoying looking for something to take this baby home from the hospital in.  It was a refreshing change of the normal for me and really helped me feel much better.  I also got all baby boys stuff organized and washed so that I can be looking forward to him coming. 

A clean house makes a happy mother.  While I don't enjoy cleaning, I knew that if I woke up to a clean house I would be a much happier person.  It would make my life a lot easier if I actually had clean cups and bowls to feed my kids breakfast so they didn't throw a fit.  I have made a conscious effort to have the house tidy every single night, even if I am tired and don't want to do it.  I know that it makes my morning so much better and easier.

I have also tried to find the positive in every situation at home. I realized that my negative attitude was causing the whole house to have a bad attitude.  I have been complimenting my children more, and praising them for the good things they do.  I have also had my kids start helping me more around the house.  They are capable of cleaning up their toys with a little direction so we work together to get the job done.  I have also complimented my husband more.  He looks at me a little skeptically sometimes when I thank him for doing something, ha ha, I think because he thinks I'm buttering him up to ask him to do something.  But really I am just grateful at how much he does, and how amazing he is with the kids and that I want him to know how much I truly appreciate him.

It has been almost 2 weeks since I made these changes.  I am a much happier person.  I still get knocked down, but I can pick myself back up now.  I am choosing to focus on the good things I have in my life instead of all the things that aren't going my way.  Not sure the whole purpose of this post, except maybe we all have hard things in our lives.  We all have times where we get knocked down and stuck in a funk.  We all look up and say "God, are you sure?? Really??".  It's what we do with what we have that makes all the difference.  It's how we choose to react and change ourselves to make us happy that matters."