Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about the last 8 months of our lives.  About how much we have been through.  I have been really emotional lately thinking about it all.  I cry if there is any reference to cancer in movies, shows, songs, and even at church.  The last 3 months I have kind of been 'pretending' that we have moved past cancer.  We haven't, I'm not sure we ever will, it will always be a part of who I am now.  I wish I could just say my son was perfectly fine, but the truth is we have constant reminders of just how sick he is/was.  Channing still gets up some mornings and hangs over the toilet, saying he is going to throw-up. Anytime one of the kids are sick and I tell them I am going to call the Doctor, Ema says "Yeah, because I need to get my port out".  It is cute but I always wear a sad smile when I hear it - it is a reminder just how much our lives have been affected. 

Kindt and I were watching the TV show 'House' the other night and it was about a possible small pox outbreak.  The CDC came in and shut down the hospital, no one in or out.  In one of the hospital rooms a little girl was waiting for her mom to return with her favorite stuffed animal so that she wasn't so scared for her cancer treatment.  I couldn't keep my emotions in when the doctor told her that her mommy and stuffed animal couldn't come in but that she needed to be brave and do her treatment without them.  I was heartbroken.  It brought me back to those days in the hospital and how hard it was to not be the one with my son, and how hard I imagine it would be if I couldn't be there when Channing needed me.  It hurt.

I recently found out about another little boy who was diagnosed with cancer.  It broke my heart.  I once again re-lived the feelings from when Channing was diagnosed.  No child, no parents, no family, no one should EVER have to feel that way.  I want to fix all of these children, make them better, make them not suffer.  I want to hold their parents and cry with them.  I hope and pray that this little boy gets better quickly and that his parents are comforted as much as possible during this time.  I feel a little guilty when I hear how much worse things are for other kids with cancer.  I feel like we had a 'fairly easy' ride comparatively - I feel I have no room to complain because so many other kids are fighting so hard and are getting knocked back down so many more times then Channing ever was.  I wish there was more I could do to help others who have to travel this hard, and terrifying road... I pray that cancer research gets the funds that it needs to be able to limit suffering and find a cure for this terrible disease.

I am not sure exactly why I have been so emotional lately.  Maybe its because Channing had to go back in for a spinal chemo for the first time in 3 months.  And it hit me hard.  I could no longer 'pretend' that Channing was perfectly fine.  Any time they run his blood I wonder if maybe this will be the time we find out the cancer is back.   Anytime Jakob gets sick I wonder if there is the possiblity he too now has Leukemia.  I don't think those creeping fears will ever completely go away...

Maybe its the season.  The fact that we have a whole holiday dedicated to remembering and being grateful for blessings.  I thank God every day for my 4 precious children.  For each of their unique personalities.  It hurts when people make comments about 'having my hands full' or 'double trouble'.  There was a time when I didn't know if my son was going to make it through this fight.  I love having my hands full, and having double the fun, and yes sometimes its a zoo, but I wouldn't change it - not for one second.  I am grateful that my 'cancer kid' is healthy enough to be able to run and play and make my home a zoo.  I am grateful for the crazy, silly, fun, and precious moments I have everyday with each of my gifts from God. 

Maybe its the Christmas season and remembering the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and all He has done for each and every one of us.  I love the Christmas season for so many reasons.  For the time spent with family, for the reason for the season, for the love and compassion so many people show at this time of year.  My wish is that we can show that love year round, that we may not judge others and that we give of ourselves the whole year long.  And most of all that we remember to thank our Father in Heaven for all that we have.