Port Removal Surgery

 My son taught me a very valuable lesson the day before his port removal surgery (Sept 25th). We were both pretty terrified about the surgery.  The day before Chan came home from school and told me that he wasn't scared anymore about getting his port out, that it was a good idea to get it out. I asked him how he decided that and he replied "The Holy Ghost helped me know that it was important to get my port out". Such a beautiful, innocent faith. I am grateful for the faith of a child for helping me to realize that with God anything is possible and I can be comforted when I am scared.  

Chan was still nervous, but did pretty well.  He brought bear bear, his buddy who has been to most of his treatments, and his fishy blanket which came to all his big treatments as well. 

Last pictures of the port inside his cute little body!

 

Chan first said he wanted mommy to take him into the surgery room but at the last second changed his mind to Kindt.  

 The surgery took less then 30 mins and Chan was tired and loopy but pretty good afterwards. 

We even got to keep his port!!  Chan was pretty excited about showing everyone what was inside of him for 2 1/2 years.

It was an adjustment when Chan had to have his first arm poke, because of all the bad ones he had at local clinics at the beginning of treatment, but thankfully he is a trooper and is doing well now with it all. 

Channing had Cancer

I was talking to a group of friends and family and someone mentioned that they knew someone who was just diagnosed with Cancer.  Ema who seemed not to be paying attention, looked up and said so calmly "Channing had Cancer".  It was quiet for a moment and I replied "yes, Ema he did".  Then the conversation continued.

 I have thought about that random fact inserted by my daughter a lot and many emotions come to mind, and many thoughts that I can't fully express.  I am grateful that it is something that she can easily say because that means her life didn't change as drastically as mine did when Channing was diagnosed.  I am also grateful that she was able to use the word had.  It mean past tense, used to, but doesn't anymore.  And that in and of itself is huge.   It also made me realize how nonchalantly we have tossed out there that Channing has/had Cancer.  But it was such a fact of life for us, and sadly always will be.  The shock factor has gone out of the statement "my son had cancer".  And that breaks me.  It makes me feel like I failed.  It shouldn't be such an easy casual statement to make.  Not for me, not for the 36 families that hear that their "son/daughter has cancer" every single day.  For now, the fact that my son survived will have to be enough, we are working through the healing process every single day.  I can't battle awareness when I am battling my own demons.  But someday, I will do more to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer, until then I will just acknowledge my sweet babies words and hug them a little tighter.  

On a side note, the boys (first grade) brought home an assignment to make their own personal flags.  Complete will all things that represent them and who they are.  I am struggling with getting started on this project because I know that Channing will want to put "Survivor" and a cancer ribbon on it.  Which is great for awareness, but I want him to start identifying with other things within himself too.  Cancer isn't who he is, just a part of what makes him who he is.  And, it sets Jakob up to feel weird about not knowing what to put on his flag.  He already wishes he had cancer because of the Wish Trip and all the cool things that Chan got.  I don't want him to resent his brother, or be jealous of him.  Such a hard, fine balance for a me to create and maintain. 

To be completely honest, I hate cancer.  I hate what it did to my son, I hate what it did and is still doing to me.  I hate that I struggle with stupid things because of cancer.  If cancer had a face, I wouldn't hesitate to completely beat it up, and I wouldn't even feel bad about it.  Take that cancer! ;)